Thoughts throughout Addiction

At the beginning:

1. I found a miracle drug
2. Go to the doctor and you are golden.
3. This takes away everything I hate about my life.
4. I can work and live without anyone knowing.

After two months:

1. I have to have it
2. It makes me a better mom
3. I could shovel shit and be happy
4. I need to go find more.

After a year:

1. How did I get myself into this?
2. If I don’t have it I feel like I am going to die.
3. Why didn’t I stop after the first month?
4. Where am I going to find more?

After 5 Years:

1. Well, I am fucked.
2. I can’t keep taking these pills.
3. I am going to a clinic for methadone.
4. It is so much cheaper.
5. Now I can be a good mom.
6. As long as I have this it will be ok.

After 10 years:

1. I think I am ready to come off the methadone.
2. I don’t even feel like I am using anymore.
3. This time, I am done!

A few weeks later:

1. This is worst than the withdrawals from the pills.
2. I can’t do it.
3. There is no hope.

A few days later:

1. It’s okay I just have to realize I will be on this forever.

Two years Later:

1. There is a new drug called Suboxone.
2. It’s not addictive.
3. But it is 70 more dollars a week.
4. It’s worth it, right?

A year later:

1. Suboxone works great, except they lied, it is addictive.
2. The withdrawal is just as bad as Methadone.
3. They robbed me for over a year.
4. I gotta do something, I can’t get ahead here.
5. I am getting married.
6. want to have a baby.
7. gotta jump off.
8. It was hell.

A month later:

1. It’s not getting better.
2. I feel worse than when I first stopped.

A month Later:

1. I haven’t had a decent sleep for two months.
2. I can’t get comfortable.
3. The restless leg syndrome is awful.
4. I think of calling a dealer every second.

A Month Later:

1. Is this ever going to stop?
2. I still cannot sleep.
3. I took a bunch of Xanax and didn’t even feel them.
4. I took shot after shot of Tequila to hopefully pass out, it didn’t work.
5. The only relief I get is from baths.

A Month Later:

1. How is it possible I still feel terrible?
2. At least now I only think about relapsing about 20 times a day.
3. This is awful.
4. I am taking 3 baths a day.

A Month Later:

1. It feels like it is calming down.
2. I still think about calling a dealer a few times a day.
3. Sleep is finally coming.

A Month Later:

1. I am pregnant
2. I can’t believe it.
3. I can do this!

A Month Later:

I don’t even think about it anymore.  This is awesome!

Baby is Born:

1. So happy to be a mom again.

Two months Later:

1. My appendix burst was given pain meds.

2 years later:

Using Again…So upset.

3 years later:

I got back on Suboxone and a year later, here I am going through withdrawal again.  You would think I would have learned.  I just feel connected to this drug that always calls my name.  I wish I could block it out.  Please pray I won’t make the same mistake again.  I have deprived my family of enough.