Stories Of Country Childhood

When I think about the things I enjoyed doing and was allowed to do as a child, it makes me sad for my kids.

I was in second grade and my dad rented a house in Corydon, Indiana.  It was a very old house. No hot water, wood- burning stove was our only heat and we loved it. I have a younger brother who is two years younger than me.  That would mean he was in kindergarten.

The first Christmas we were there, while opening presents my dad came rushing into the house and told us to go get our dog because it was fighting something in the yard. This was common, so we ran out to see what was going on.  Tied to a tree there were two ponies.  We were so excited.  The way I remember it we jumped right on them and began three years of adventure.

Our mother and father were separated.  She was in Texas and my dad had a live-in girlfriend.  She was only 19 or so.  My dad worked all week and some weekends, which left his girlfriend to watch us.  In truth, we were on our own other than the food she gave us and when we forced her to be a referee.

We would wake up early in the morning and half asleep we would grab our ponies and take off.  We set out to discover everything around us.  We traveled down the road in front of our house to see what was at the other end first.

This the road we rode down.

We had no idea the wonders that lay at the end of it.

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This was just one of the cool things we saw.

A little farther was an old bridge.

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We actually took our ponies across this bridge.  Remember I was only in second grade and my brother was in kindergarten.  Below this bridge we liked to use inner tubes to ride the rapids.  This is Indian Creek, which wrapped around White Cloud.

One day we went down to the creek where it ran in front of our house and we caught Bobby Knight, the famously angry coach of Indiana University Basketball. We wouldn’t leave him alone because it was like running into a huge celebrity.  I guess he was pretty huge.

This was a huge deal.

Here is a better picture of him.

So after we annoyed him forever he gave us two mud dogs that he caught that day.  With fishing line tied around their necks, he told us to take them to our dad.  We hadn’t seen one before.  If you haven’t check it out.

A mud dog is a catfish with legs and a long tail.

At home, we ran into the house and presented these two fish to our father.  We were so excited.  Our dad shared his love of college basketball with us, so we just knew he was going to think it was pretty cool that Bobby Knight had given us something to give him.  He thought it was really cool that we ran into the famed coach but the mud dogs were not provoking excitement at all.  We thought we discovered a whole new species. We were adventurers, weren’t we?

Our dad told us to take them back to the coach, but we were too scared.  He had his brand new pickup truck parked across from our house where the path to the creek was.  To our horror, he took the two creatures and put them in the back of his truck.  I bet Mr. Knight wasn’t too excited about that.  It sure did make for a great family story, though.

There were countless nights that we would go down to the creek to fish all night long.  It was nothing to us.  We built a fire to stay warm and keep the bugs away.  In the morning ,we would ride our ponies back to the house and go to sleep.

Our ponies were always getting loose.  We had barns and no matter what we did to keep them secure they always found a way out.  When that happen we had to find them.  Somehow we always did.

These are just a few of the amazing times we had together.  I cannot imagine letting my first grader who in the fall will be in second grade do any of these things.  We don’t live in the country anymore, maybe it would be different if we did.

Thanks Dad for allowing us to do these things.  It was awesome.

 

Goodbye Friend, one more gone, sad

WHO AM I?

Hello, come along with me as I fight the battle of my life, addiction.  Daily I will be writing about how things are going as I attempt to deal with life without drugs.  Pretty freaking scary for me to type that much less do it.  I have been abusing opiates and benzos in one form or another for about twenty years.  It would be amazing not to have this monster following me at every turn.  That is what made me decide to give sobriety a shot.

If you have been through this before I would love to get your feedback and hope I can inspire someone to get help too.  Heroin is killing us so fast.  The overdose rate has surpassed car wrecks for leading cause of accidental death.  That is huge, they say it is an epidemic and I believe them.

There are different kinds of addicts but we are all the same when you get down to it.  I am a “functioning” addict.  To the outside world, I am a great mother, daughter, and wife.  Let’s hope that I am.  The question is can you be a great mother if you take suboxone every morning and Xanax when your nerves are screaming?  Hopefully, we will find the answers to some of these.

A few days ago I made an appointment for treatment for sexual abuse.  The abuse happened when I was a child.  I didn’t get any therapy after and I have always believed that the abuse had a major role in my choices as a young adult.  Before I began using drugs I began working as an escort in Louisville, KY.  No drugs just wanted to make money.  We will be addressing the ten years I spent visiting hotel rooms as my only employment and the effects of that.

I hope to make you see that addiction can happen to anyone.  We all deserve understanding and support.  Whether you believe it is a disease or a moral failing I invite you to come on this journey with me.  We will laugh, cry and with little, luck I will get myself clean and help a few others along the way.

 

OKAY, I DETOXED, NOW WHAT??

 

Okay, I detoxed, NOW WHAT??

How in the hell am I going to face THIS every day?

How will I face reality without Xanax?

The very thought of going back to work without my morning Suboxone has me paralyzed with fear.

How do people do this shit?  Do they really do it without anything?  I mean really.

Do I really want to feel?

God, please don’t let this be my “new normal.”

Feeling all of these feelings is overwhelming.

My soul feels hollow.

Constantly thumbing through my thoughts hoping to find something that will squash these emotions.  Yuck…they disgust me.

I am a disaster.

My soul feels hollow.

No way, this is how the lady next door feels every day.

How about my sister-in-law that makes everything look easy.

What am I doing wrong?

What am I doing wrong?

help me…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/survival/

 

Please share so we can stop the stigma.

I’m 9 years old. My mom is at work for the afternoon and I just got home off the bus from school. He was sitting in the house when I got home and we started joking around and wrestling. Soon, he had his hand on me, in places that shouldn’t be touched by any man […]

via Survivor — LIFE RE-EDITED

If Her Tears Were Stars

I finally made an appointment for therapy. Praying it helps with the nightmares.

Alcoholics Have It Easy…

In my group, there is a woman talking about being an alcoholic. It’s funny because until this moment I thought drinkers were cry babies. I know I know, that is terrible. Maybe it was because my Dad drank and it seemed like he kicked the problem so easy. All I know is I gained a respect for Alcoholics after one of my group members said something.

My first 12 step meeting was at the age of thirteen. I went to them off and on with my Dad until I was about 18. So I knew the message. Many times when I found myself lonely or scared in my adult life I would seek out meetings. It was at those meetings I lost respect for AA. See if you are a drug addict and go to meetings you are not supposed to say “Hello My Name is Joe Moe and I am a drug addict.” Even if that is what you are. I was treated badly at meetings when I told them about my struggles with opiate addiction. The worst was when I was in Methadone Maintenance and thought you were, to be honest at AA. After those experiences, I was told by many a therapist​ to not tell anyone in meeting that I was on Methadone or Suboxone. The thing people don’t understand is if I am still having to lie and hide…what is the point of going? There may be some AA meetings that are not this way. Unfortunately, I have not had the pleasure of attending one. So let’s just say I have a bad impression of AA at this point. I will write more about why in another article.

The group I go to is an IOP. ( Intensive OutPatient Program ) It is provided by Our Lady of Peace in Louisville, KY. There are only 2 people in our group that are alcoholics. So after one of them did their “check in” a fellow opiate addict asked to give feedback. Meanwhile, I am one the other side of the room thinking I know it all and this chick needs to stop drinking beer. I mean what the fuck? It’s nasty anyway. ( I know…I know..let me finish ) So he says to her that he is sorry she is having such a hard time. He told her that he cannot imagine being in her place. “THERE IS NO WAY I COULD WALK INTO A STORE AND SEE HEROIN ON THE SHELF AND STAY SOBER” OMG!

HE WAS RIGHT. I never thought about it that way. I couldn’t believe it. I was a snobby addict. There are lots of us. All this time I was angry with AA because of their snobbiness and look at me. He was so right, there is no way I could handle opiates in any form being sold in 75% of the stores I enter. Going to a pharmacy like Walgreens to buy smokes is hard as hell. Imagine if the pills were on the shelf and not behind lock and key. I couldn’t do it. So I must reevaluate my disdain for AA. At the very least I must accept that I can be a snobby addict just like many of them.

One Little Pill

That one little pill that turned into twenty years of addiction,  my “friend” gave me for a headache. I fantasize about going back in time.  I would run as fast as I can to that younger me. Grab her and shake her. THIS IS BIGGER THAN YOU; I want to scream. The outrage and anger make me shame her, for being so careless and naive. If only she could see me, she would see, the broken soul that I came to be.  She would be shocked and maybe she would think twice about taking that one little pill.

 

That one little pill that turned into two, then three till it was never enough. How did this happen?  Where would I be if there was no headache?  Things would have turned out different for me. One little pill, and twenty years later, there is a demon that lives to control me. It feeds off my shame and devours my guilt. It gives it the power to control me. That little pill has made my life just another sad story. All it took was ONE LITTLE PILL.

Dear Addiction – My Addiction

You and I have been together for almost half of my life. It is as though you are a lover that won’t let go. If only I could get a restraining order because no matter where I go or how good I hide you find me.

In the beginning​, you were loving. Whispered in my ear that I was sweet, beautiful and charismatic. You held my hand all day long. You made it so easy and when it was time for bed you cuddled up close. Now, with you inside me, my thoughts didn’t race. I thought you were magic. You made me feel so safe.

As time moved along, you slowly began to change. One morning, after running out the night before. The sweet voice that used to comfort me turned into a growl​. The​ honeymoon phase passed​; all of a sudden my sweet addiction changed. See before if I didn’t reach for you, it wasn’t like this. Now if the thought even crosses my mind, you start to scream and yell. YOUR USELESS and NOBODY CARES, have replaced all your encouraging words.

Aches, pains and vomiting it’s as though you have poisoned me. You say if I don’t come back, that this is just the start. Yelling and screaming you promise to tear me apart. Just for a moment my mind breaks free, and all of a sudden I see.

You didn’t love me and you sure as hell don’t care. When I look around I realize you and I are the only ones there. Where is my family? I start to cry, Oh my god what have I done? Everyone I love and everyone that cared is gone. They are tired of trying since they can’t do it alone. Lying and cheating, are just a few of the terrible things I have done. Oh, my god, I am homeless everything is gone.

You keep begging me to come back. Just like an abusive lover, you say, things will be different. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s like a game you are playing and your always up in, score.

You have taken all my family and all of my friends. You have even taken who I am. My looks are all haggard, I am scared to death and the only time I am nice, is if I am using again.

You have taken control of most of my thoughts and even if I see you it’s not the same. Hell, now I just want to be normal again.

I know you will make sure that I will pay very dear. It doesn’t matter what you say this time because I don’t care. You’re trying to kill me and I want to stay here.

Suboxone & Methadone

So, you are thinking about using Suboxone or Methadone to get off of HEROIN or OPIATES, let’s talk about it okay. So I have been addicted to opiates for almost 20 years. My addiction started like most with Loratabs or Vicodin. When 5 at a time wasn’t enough, it was undeniable that there was a serious problem. There was no functioning without putting these pills into my system.

After being told about Methadone, I called a clinic in Southern Indiana. At the time, I smoked a ton of pot and heard that in Indiana they did not care about smoking pot…right up my alley.

First of all, no one should get on methadone or suboxone if they are just taking hydrocodone . Believe me, you don’t want to trade a monkey for a gorilla. Seriously, that is what you would be doing.

However, if you have been abusing the harder ones it might be an option for you. The deal is if you want to do either of these maintenance drugs, you need to understand a few things.

First of all don’t let anyone tell you that Suboxone is easier to come off of than Methadone. They are both equally hard to come off of. The success rate of staying clean after detoxing is very small. I mean you came to these drugs because you didn’t want to face a few days or couple of weeks of withdrawal. How in the hell are you going to face 2 to 3 months, and a good 6 months before you feel like it’s all gone?

Now if you have been using hard opiates and time after time you have detoxed and found zero success, this is when you consider Methadone or Suboxone. If it were me, the only way I would use these drugs is if I were making a lifetime commitment to them. That is right, you are going to marry these drugs. Like I said earlier the withdrawal is much longer than with any other opiate.

I have zero cravings after getting stabilized on these meds. If you have a weak moment, it won’t matter because you won’t get high. Buying dope is a waste of time and money. It is a safety net, it ensures you won’t pick up something on impulse.

If you feel you truly need a maintenance drug talk to your doctor, before going to a clinic. The clinics are a business and letting patients detox is bad for business. If you have any questions about either of these drugs or anything at all, please feel free to ask. I would be happy to give you more detail of my experiences.

Don’t forget there is also Vivitrol out now. It is a shot. I have never used it so I will not speak about it. Ask your doctor if you think it might be a good fit for you.