Thoughts throughout Addiction

At the beginning:

  1. I found a miracle drug
  2. Go to the doctor and you are golden.
  3. This takes away everything I hate about my life.
  4. I can work and live without anyone knowing.

After two months:

  1. I have to have it
  2. It makes me a better mom
  3. I could shovel shit and be happy
  4. I need to go find more.

After a year:

  1. How did I get myself into this?
  2. If I don’t have it I feel like I am going to die.
  3. Why didn’t I stop after the first month?
  4. Where am I going to find more?

After 5 Years:

  1. Well, I am fucked.
  2. I can’t keep taking these pills.
  3. I am going to a clinic for methadone.
  4. It is so much cheaper.
  5. Now I can be a good mom.
  6. As long as I have this it will be ok.

After 10 years:

  1. I think I am ready to come off the methadone.
  2. I don’t even feel like I am using anymore.
  3. This time, I am done!

A few weeks later:

  1. This is worst than the withdrawals from the pills.
  2. I can’t do it.
  3. There is no hope.

A few days later:

  1. It’s okay I just have to realize I will be on this forever.

Two years Later:

  1. There is a new drug called Suboxone.
  2. It’s not addictive.
  3. But it is 70 more dollars a week.
  4. It’s worth it, right?

A year later:

  1. Suboxone works great, except they lied, it is addictive.
  2. The withdrawal is just as bad as Methadone.
  3. They robbed me for over a year.
  4. I gotta do something, I can’t get ahead here.
  5. I am getting married.
  6. want to have a baby.
  7. gotta jump off.
  8. It was hell.

A month later:

  1. It’s not getting better.
  2. I feel worse than when I first stopped.

A month Later:

  1. I haven’t had a decent sleep for two months.
  2. I can’t get comfortable.
  3. The restless leg syndrome is awful.
  4. I think of calling a dealer every second.

A Month Later:

  1. Is this ever going to stop?
  2. I still cannot sleep.
  3. I took a bunch of Xanax and didn’t even feel them.
  4. I took shot after shot of Tequila to hopefully pass out, it didn’t work.
  5. The only relief I get is from baths.

A Month Later:

  1. How is it possible I still feel terrible?
  2. At least now I only think about relapsing about 20 times a day.
  3. This is awful.
  4. I am taking 3 baths a day.

A Month Later:

  1. It feels like it is calming down.
  2. I still think about calling a dealer a few times a day.
  3. Sleep is finally coming.

A Month Later:

  1. I am pregnant
  2. I can’t believe it.
  3. I can do this!

A Month Later:

I don’t even think about it anymore.  This is awesome!

Baby is Born:

  1. So happy to be a mom again.

Two months Later:

  1. My appendix burst was given pain meds.

2 years later:

Using Again…So upset.

3 years later:

I got back on Suboxone and a year later, here I am going through withdrawal again.  You would think I would have learned.  I just feel connected to this drug that always calls my name.  I wish I could block it out.  Please pray I won’t make the same mistake again.  I have deprived my family of enough.

Author: Recovery Reports


20 thoughts on “Thoughts throughout Addiction”

  1. A Prayer for Strength and Spiritual Growth – I hope this will help you (I paraphrased it from one of my favorite blogs, Faith and Health

    “Dear Lord: I pray that your Son, Christ Jesus, will make His home in my heart as I trust in Him. My roots will grow down into Your love and keep me strong. And may I have the power to understand how wide, how long, how high, and how deep Your love really is. May I experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then I will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from You.

    You are able, through Your mighty power at work within me, to accomplish infinitely more than I might ask or think. Glory to You in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It was more than anyone could have hoped for. My seven year old came along and believe it or not the sermon was about how God loves broken people. People that think they are unworthy are Gods favorite and within that he talked a lot about left handed people which was so powerful for the two of us because my 7 year old is left handed. I was in tears by the time we left I joined the church and asked them to contact me about doing some groups. Thank you so much. I am going to write something about it today but I wanted to tell you. I used your prayer twice and I think he listened. I hope that I can become comfortable there and get a little of the joy in my heart that I see so many others have. OH and I watch an awesome movie on Netflix last night, you may have seen it but if you havent please watch it. It fits your blog perfectly Raggamuffin is the name. Have you seen it?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I did get your other response and I am so happy for you. Reading your comments gave me goose bumps – I too am left handed. I will continue to pray that God works in your life. Can’t wait to read your blog thoughts on it.


  2. Good morning. I am going to reblog to my page. I’m not entirely sure yet how that appears, if I mess up – forgive me? ♥ Thank you for sharing your ongoing story.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am so sorry, I thought I replied to you already. Life has been very busy with work and kids. – I greatly appreciate your essays. They are brutally honest, and full of hope. I am honored to read what you share ♥

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on Let the Light In ~ Reflections and commented:
    Please, I am sincerely asking all of my followers and those of you who drop in to visit – please read this post and read through the blog. Heroin addiction is rampant in the country (USA). Last night on the news they showed a beautiful 17 year old blonde high school student who became addicted, had to prostitute herself to get that fix (and that is *very common, as well as being given by parents for their own fix). She died. Honors student in high school. People really and truly are not facing this epidemic for what it is – hell on earth for the addict and those in their lives. Life is precious. When I ask professionals or those in counseling to consider studying and working with addicts it is because my eyes are open and I see the destruction these highly addictive drugs are causing the their victims – addicts “and”. More help IS needed in counseling for all mental health issues – saving lives, saves human beings, families and souls. What would Jesus do?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Loved your post. I was like that for years, with alcohol and benzos, and never thought that I would ever be free of that need, that craving.
    Well, it’s been over 30 years now and I very rarely think about drink or benzos. Life is good – not perfect as I am still me – but a million times better than when I was using.
    If you really want it, if you’ve had enough, then you’ll make it. Relapses happen, I don’t know how many times I relapsed before things changed. But one thing relapses do is to eventually show you that there’s no way to go from being an addict to a social user.
    If you’re interested, I’ve written about the start of my recovery at
    Remember, the withdrawals and cravings will fade and then life’s possibilities are there for you.
    Take care. I’ll be following your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

Would love to get feedback

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s