My Pensive Moods

A pensive mood seems to be the only one I have.  My husband and son suffer because of it.  It’s as though I just found out I have this terrible disease.  When in fact I have known for some time.  My struggles come from the constant pull inside my brain to go use and the never-ending worry of how to treat this illness.

12 step meetings are for people who can blindly believe in God.  I need to take responsibility for my actions or I am doomed to repeat them.  AA says we are powerless and I understand why they say this but I am too much of a control freak to consider this as fact.  I just can’t pray about it and hope it gets better.  My mind doesn’t work that way.

My safety net is gone since I stopped taking Suboxone  It might be wise for me to go back.  This seems like the dumbest idea I ever had to come off of it.  Being shamed in AA/NA rooms for taking the Suboxone is what got me here.  Now I am disgusted with the thought of entering one of those rooms again.  How dare they judge me?  AA/NA, do they have the only answer?  I think not, if AA/NA did their people wouldn’t all need papers signed at the end of every meeting because they are being forced to come by courts.

These are the things that rattle around in my mind, tossed around like a salad and my cravings are the dressing.  There is way too much dressing on this salad.  I don’t even know where to find anything.  Walking around the little stores in the area I am sure all I would find is heroin.  That is a death wish for me.  Opiates have been my best friend/ worst enemy for twenty years. I have only been hanging out with it’s watered down little cousin but…HEROIN.. If I ever meet her, she will kill me because I will never let go.  This I know for sure.

Author: Recovery Reports


4 thoughts on “My Pensive Moods”

  1. I have just discovered your blog and I feel for you. My blog is about finding God and using Him to help fight addictions and live a healthy lifestyle. I cannot imagine what you are going through because I have never been there myself. As a matter of fact, I write my blog in fear that addicts will think that it is too “fluffy” and naive. I have many family members and friends who have addictions ranging from heroin to over eating – it doesn’t matter the addiction because to the person suffering, it is just as difficult to break any kind of addiction. I hope you will trust in God – He does love you and will help you if you ask him. I will pray for you and I wish you all the best in your fight – never give up!

    Liked by 1 person

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