What do you want from me? I have given you everything. You have my beauty, self-respect and my time. You tell me it’s okay and you know it’s a lie. Why won’t you let me go? You know how unhappy I am. What more can I give you, you’ve taken a lot. My innocence, self-esteem and all the dreams I had are gone. Who knows what they were. You even stole that. Memories of drug deals and withdrawals replace getting an education, my dream job and countless things I don’t even know I misplaced.
Who am I without you? There is no way anyone could know. The person they know has a crisis daily. A fire starter who sets fires all over so others can’t tell the smoke is actually coming from me!
You stole my twenties and thirties. My only hope now is to be able to live my forties in peace without you. You don’t even want to give me that. I don’t understand why! What more can I give you, you’ve taken it all. I want the chance to live and find out who I really am. Then as soon as I turn around it’s you again. You knock, knock in my head no matter what I do. Within a few hours of throwing you out, the withdrawal starts his part. Whenever you go you leave him behind so I don’t forget what I have done. It doesn’t matter that I am broken inside because that is the way you want me. The weaker I am the easier this job will be. Withdrawal is working as hard as he can he runs his cold fingers down my spine as his firey breath makes me sweat, it feels like I’m going insane.
He won’t let me sleep no matter how much I beg. He whispers terrible insults into my ear just to keep me awake. It seems like it cannot get much worse. Surely I will die, there no way I can do this anymore. When I think okay, I will just past away…you take even that from me. That would be too easy. That would mean letting me go. You are so cruel. You won’t even allow me the peace of death…you’d rather I have a life in HELL with you.
*Painting by: Imora Wetz