Mom, it is not your fault.


Parents are so hard on themselves. It doesn’t matter if you are the picture perfect parent, I know none of those. No one does, but the best ones I do know are hard on themselves. The ones that think they are perfect, usually are not.

Here right now I am releasing my parents of any thoughts that they are the reason. I am an adult, and my choices are my own. There are things I need help with that are overdue; that is all. In no way does that mean I blame you for the present, and the past is the past. We as parents all do the best we can with what we have and know. Believing that you love me is no issue. The issues I have now are my own.

Please stop beating yourself up…I love you. There are some things that I have to look at about the person I am, not the parent that you were. So when I talk about needing mental help, please don’t hear that as a mark of you or your parenting. You are my Mom, and you love me. My Dad loves me; that is not the problem. The problem lays within me. Loving myself in any way healthy has been an issue that I have always had. So it’s my shortcomings, something within my mind that tells me you are bad. You have always been bad and always will. I am trying to silence that voice in my head. It is something only I can do. I am lucky to have the support I have; I don’t even deserve it. So please mom, don’t beat yourself up, I have done enough of that to you. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes. They are my own, and that is what I am trying figure out.

Nothing that happened before I became an adult matter. I chose to do what I do, and I take full responsibility. When you hear me say I need help and need to work through things in my past, it is not an attack on anyone. It is simply the truth. Please don’t take my issues upon yourself. I love you; I forgive anything you are worried about, or may think I blame you for. I don’t, it’s old news and has no bearing on the present. You did the best you could; I do the best I can with my children it is with myself that I fall short. I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused, how I wish I could take it away. All I can do now is work on the voice in my head that works so hard to destroy anything good in my life. That voice is not yours; it is mine. I love you.

*Art by Aaron Griffin

I sent this apology to my Mother in March.  I hope you enjoyed it.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/discover-challenges/apology/

Author: Recovery Reports

Recovery

25 thoughts on “Mom, it is not your fault.”

  1. I love you, too my prayer is for you to love the girl inside and forgive her, you are special and hs be a kind heart, Jesus is always there when you need him, we will all be waiting for you to get the help you need them come home

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    1. Aaron Griffin is the artist. I am sorry it took so long to respond. People don’t usually read my blog, much less comment. The picture is amazing isn’t it. I got it from google.

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  2. Such a heartfelt post. I hope your parents hear you. I hope you realize you have the power to heal yourself, to learn and grow from your suffering so you can be a light in the world and help others. I lost my brother to alcoholism when he was 44. I understand the power of addiction. I watched my parents search for answers, blame themselves. Please know that you are not alone. Use your blog, your writing (you’re very good) to help you release your pain. Sending you love and healing. ~ Namaste.

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  3. I can see what a painful letter that was to write, and there is the feeling of words written between the lines – words that will never be spoken again.
    We all say we did our best, but none of us really do – there is always the odd angry and unjust word, the impatience, the lack of attention now and again. These are the things we must forgive ourselves and each other – those moments when we are not properly in control.
    Now I will dry my eyes and go to the gym. I plan to read more of your great posts later x

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    1. Thank you for reading this post. I really wanted you to. I wrote and sent it to my mom about two months ago. Whatever the date of the post is the date I sent it to her after writing it here. My Intensive Outpatient Treatment Therapist told me I should write her a letter about how I felt. My therapist wants to blame my addiction on my Mother because of sexual abuse I endured from my Father as a child. I don’t feel the same way. So she wanted me to write something completely different and I wrote an apology. My mothers approval has always been something out of my reach. This is because of my own doing. So unfortunately we have become co-dependent. She is my biggest trigger. I hate it because she is also my best friend. It is very complicated.

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      1. I suspected there was something horrible like that in your past – as I said, it’s written between the lines, and the resulting issues are still not resolved. When people get broken, love does become complicated, but you are working on it, and perhaps your mother is, too x

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  4. I needed to read that today. Thank you for sharing. I lost my Beautiful 23 yr old Daughter Samantha in April to a Heroin overdose. She was my only Daughter and my best friend. My life ended that day. She was my everything. I just exsist now. The only reason I’m even doing that is for my son. Somedays I think he would be better off with out me. I feel like a burden on him. He is 20 yrs old The best son a mom can ask for, I feel guilty he lost his only sibling and he is holding me up , when I should be holding him up.He is my reason for breathing. I go through I could have, I should have everyday. I know my Daughter knew I loved her I don’t question that.I just have alot of guilt. Sometimes I think I didn’t know where to draw the line from being her Mom to being her Friend. I never wanted her mad at me I gave in out of feeling bad cause I was a single parent for many yrs, gave in over feeling bad her Dad wasn’t in her life for yrs at a time due to his own demons, spending time In and out of jail I’m so thankful that her Dad straightened up and was in her life the last 8 yrs. She was Daddy’s little girl !! I also suffer with my own demons. Depression being a big one. I don’t know what I’m trying to say or where I’m going with this but thanks for sharing. I know my Samantha and she is up there saying those things to me. She has told me in the past she doesn’t blame me for her mistakes. But I blame me !!!

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    1. It is not your fault either. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair. This disease is such a monster and we have no idea what we are getting ourselves into. It doesn’t matter what happen, it isn’t your fault. My sponsor told me something that made a lot of sense to me. She said that addicts are different. We feel different about things. Our feelings are like super feelings. They are much stronger than the average person. So when we feel love we feel it to the moon, but when we feel pain it is crushing. It is so true too. I have never met an addict that didn’t love the underdog or that didn’t want to help others that hurt the way that we do. Its because we care. We care too much. I hope that you know that there is no doubt in my mind that you were just as special to her as she was to you and no matter what you have nothing to feel guilty for and you also should be proud of her. That sounds weird right, proud of an addict. Well I tell you what…I think addicts are special the only reason your daughter didn’t get to experience the awesomeness of recovery is because this drug as you know on the streets most of the time isn’t even what we are searching for. They tell us it is heroin and give us fentynal or we are simply looking for a xanax and it looks just like one but it is fentynal. We are doing before we get the chance to recover….I am so sorry.

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  5. I needed to read this. I am approaching the year mark of the loss of my son. It really does not matter which drug it was that took his life. He had used Meth as his drug of choice , but there is no proof he died of Meth. He also had a thing for Xanex. He said he beat Meth, and for a year I really believed we had overcome the bad… and good day were ahead. Sadly he could not afford his Bipolar medication and was on prescription drugs for a back problem which needed surgical intervention. Low silver prices resulted in a job layoff. A week later he was gone.
    Something you said rang so true. He felt pain deeply. A reprimand at work would make him feel judged, and soon he was searching for a new job. This was even before drugs entered his life. Once diagnosed Bipolar his meds sent him all over the place, and soon he left his wife and life really got interesting.

    I have four women who morn his death. Each one he professed to be the love of his life. Each time he did feel they were the love of his life. I can name three more who he professed as the love of his life, for whom I refuse to have any contact with. Only one truly was his true love. His one and only wife, and the women he always turned to. If he had only given it a break between women….he had her heart….not her trust. He needed to feel love and did not have the patient to win back the trust….he came close a few times though.

    My son searched and searched for love. I do find comfort that the night before he passed he showed up at his ex wife’s house and they professed love for each other. He voiced his pride in his two children. Sadly his son found his father’s lifeless body after school the next day.

    My son seemed too sensitive for this world. You confirmed my beliefs. I know I failed many times, but I feel my son was too sensitive to survive in a harsh and judgemental world.

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    1. You echo my beliefs about many that suffer from addiction. I believe that we feel things so much deeper than others. When we experience something that makes those feelings doable we cling to it. I am the same way, a simple complaint at work and I feel as though the job is useless now. I know the day will be useless because for the rest of the day, while trying the hardest I possibly can…it will be in shambles. We care too much and feel too much. The drugs numb that and without it life is quite terrifying. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair that those suffering so young don’t get a chance to recover because they don’t live long enough. I am so honored that my story touched you and if it gave you even a second of relief in any form I am so glad. The one thing I know, even not knowing you or your son is that is isn’t your fault. I promise. ❤

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  6. Very powerful words young lady! I am the mom of a son in recovery. I am thankful for that. I never take tomorrow for granted, because I never know what tomorrow will bring. Heroin is a powerful drug that can draw a person back in as quickly as it did initially, but for today, he is good. I blamed myself for his use also. For the longest time I felt one I tried to overcompensate for his biological father’s absence in his life, then I divorced the only father he ever knew, and loved like no other, my second husband and two daughters’ biological father. When I divorced him, my son was 16 and the worst possible time for such a thing to happen, especially after we lost three close family members within the year before. But, I thought I was doing the right thing for all of us. My husband drank too much. He still does. Unfortunately, he walked out of my son’s life when he met another woman and things have never been the same since. I blamed myself for that. I blamed myself for being more of a friend than a mother after the divorce. Finally, I blamed myself for one specific, but small decision, which I felt was the last time he could handle anymore pain. The night before he was coming home from rehab, I told him I was sorry for that one small thing. He told me his counselor had been telling him the entire time that’s why he started using drugs. He also said, he told his counselor it was not my fault for anything he did. He chose to use drugs, not realizing, as you stated, what he was getting himself into. It brought me relief and through a lot of my own counseling and recovery, I accept my mistakes as a mother and know God and my children forgive me for the lessons I had to learn, but they were impacted by also.

    You are a beautiful young lady. Please don’t let something that a monster did to you make you feel unworthy. Just as it isn’t so much our fault (parents), it absolutely is not your fault. In that situation, it WAS your father’s fault. Ask God to give you healing and peace. Continue to pray for it and open your heart up to receive his grace. He will help you through this. Your writing is beautiful and gives others hope….like we moms, who’ve either felt lost in the past or still feeling lost with children in active addiction. Your words matter and hit us right where we need them most, our hearts and souls! Continue writing. It is therapeutic. I promise you there is hope in loving yourself. You should always love yourself, because God loves you so much!

    I help people struggling with addiction find treatment. I’ve had so many young women struggling with addiction because of sexual abuse. One of them was also by her biological father. I cannot imagine the pain each of you must feel. What I do know, is God can and will help you heal. Just believe that with all your heart and continue working on you.

    Amazing words beautiful lady! Love yourself!

    Debbie

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. They have me in tears. I wish that my mother read these words the way that you have. Maybe she did but just couldn’t express it to me. I have hurt her as you can imagine. I pray one day she will be proud of me. Thank you for giving me that feeling for a moment of a mother proud OF ME. Thank you..so much xoxo

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  7. My son died of an OD on 4/25. He was 24. Even though the apology was not written to me, I feel that this would have been a letter my son would have written to me if he had more time. Thank you. It helped me to read and I feel a bit of a load has been taken off me.

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I am so sorry for your loss. I will tell you for him that it isn’t your fault. No matter what life looked like, it wasn’t your fault. Much love and respect to you. Joann

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  8. You have great courage! Yes, it shows in your compassionate letter…but the fact that you knew you needed, and sought, treatment and mental health help is the true strength in your decisions. Own that!
    I know that is the main barrier to recovery. Making that courageous decision, to seek help.
    I have faith that my daughter will find that courage. Not only for herself, but for her children also. They are suffering too.
    Faith, courage …the best arms against addiction!
    Keep your up, it will help the rest of us.
    Hugs,
    SR

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    1. Thank you so much. It means so much to me that mothers are finding something in this letter since my mother is still struggling to forgive me. I hope one day she will and when I look into her eyes I don’t see shame but pride. Thank you, I will pray for you and your daughter. Much love and respect. JoAnn

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  9. Thank you for sharing your letter. I lost my 18 year old daughter last year to heroin. The words you wrote to your mom gave me some understanding and comfort. I think my daughter would have said some of that to me if she had had time.
    –Alison’s Mom

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